When eating feels safer in secret: Part 1

For some people, eating is not simply about hunger, taste or enjoyment.

It can also feel exposing.

You may feel comfortable eating alone, but tense when someone else is nearby. You might wait until the house is empty, avoid eating at work, hide wrappers, eat quickly before someone comes back, or feel intensely self-conscious when eating in public.

From the outside, this can look like secrecy.

From the inside, it may feel more like protection.

The fear of being watched

When eating around other people feels uncomfortable, it is often not because there is anything unusual abou the food itself. The distress may come from thoughts such as:

“They will think I am greedy.”

“They are noticing how much I am eating.”

“People will judge my body.”

“I should choose something healthier.”

“I need to look as though I am in control.”

“I do not want anyone commenting on my food.”

Even when nobody says anything, the possibility of being observed can be enough to create anxiety and eating can begin to feel like a performance.

You may monitor your portion your pace, your choices and even the way you hold your cutlery, instead of being present with the meal, your attention is focused on how you might appear to everyone else.

Where does this come from?

Feeling watched around food can develop for many reasons. For me, people commented on my body while I was growing up. Certain foods were labelled “good” “bad”, “naughty” or “fattening”. I was praised for eating less, criticised for eating more and was often compared to other people. Do the below comments resonate with you?

“You cannot sill be hungry”

“Do you really need that?”

“You have eaten enough.”

“Are you going to eat all of that?”

Even comments that seem small can stay with us.

Why secrecy can bring relief

Eating alone can temporally remove the pressure. There is no need to explain what you are eating. Nobody can comment on the portion or interrupt you or tell you what you should choose. For a moment, food may feel completely yours.

This can create relief, freedom and even a sense of rebellion. However, the relief is often followed by shame.

You may ask yourself:

“Why did I hide that”

“Why can I not eat normally around people?”

“Why do I feel as though I am doing something wrong?”

The secrecy then becomes further evidence, in your mind, that there is something wrong with you. But secrecy is not always a sign that you are dishonest or out of control. Sometimes it is a sign that you have not felt emotionally safe enough to eat openly.

Understanding this does not mean the pattern has to stay the same. But before we can change a behaviour, it helps to understand what it may have been protecting us from.

In part 2, we will look at how avoiding food around others can contribute to restriction and binge eating-and how to begin rebuilding a sense of safety around eating.

Link to my self-help guide below: